Strength in softness

Just because there are people in the world with hard, restricted bodies and hard restricted minds does not mean that I need harden (In any way shape or form)

I float, I don't sink.

Light strength. Flexible. Ethereal. Fluid.

Centered and 

having 

no 

parameters.

Reflecting on 2014

Radiant Treble Cleff Tattoo Boy

There are some days where I fall in love with everyone.

The man who scoops me my tempeh salad behind glass and exceptionally placed garnishes,

Wears a treble cleff tattoo on his right forearm and the widest smile across his handsome face.

His eyes are celestial filled, beaming flickering light, expressing whimsy and maybe even slight child like shyness that is completely adorable. I see our mutual radiance. 

 

Nature was my God

When I was sixteen, I wore Birkenstocks and I wrote across them in thick sharpy marker, Nature is my God.

And it was. God was trees, wind, light, wild flowers, and calm. The sweet calm that my feet retreated to many a day.

Skipping school on the regular. I called myself in pretending to be my mother or I just left. I couldn't stand to trudge through the halls of my high school. Wearing my statement shoes, but walking as if I were wearing the heaviest wooden clogs, like the weight of the titanic. I was sinking in my life.

School was superfluous. It is not natural the way we teach - corporations, factory farms masquerading as educational institutions. 

But it did give me something. It gave me an 11^th grade English class that came with Thoreau, Emerson, and Whitman. These men got me.

I read their works like romance novels. My heart embarking on their journeys, feeling the depth of their words a feeling like going home.

Somewhere inside of me, I too knew that there is more to all of this. I wanted to go home.

I felt it when I was cradled in tufts of tall grass, sunlight flickering through the stems and dancing on my eyelashes. I heard it in the crickets, bees buzzing, and river flowing. 

 

In the contrast of my suicidal, trauma filled life, this was my salvation.

Make no doubt about it, my soul made love to those trees, that blue sky, the tall grass waving in the breeze.

Take me, I said, this is me - in a sort of meditation, with what I knew then, I knew that I was without a doubt a part of something more.

Something pure and I merged with it in those moments, Nature was my God.

Savoring my Life

I am savoring my life in all ways

Savoring the moment always

So that all of me feels me feels alive

especially the parts that I try to hide.

Like a Buddhist undisturbed

By the dualist nature of this earth

I am cultivating a conscious awareness of the present moment now

Be it painful, joyous, frightening, anxious, in love,

I want to feel it

I am turning off my phone to be alone.

I want to feel what it's like to feel that moment before I pick up my phone as a distraction to what I am feeling.

Texting and social media will not be replacements for human connection

Or an escape from my feelings

I want to get intimate with me

Get into me

Remember what I need

Is me, completely,

Sitting in a room

When I am with you

I want to feel you.

I want to look in to your eyes

And realize our oneness.

Centered in whatever circumstance.

I want to stand strong and firm in all of my experiences.

I want to consume all of it. Savoring the levels of lightness, heaviness, darkness, everything that can be. I want to feel it, taste it, touch it and love it.

A Contract to Myself

My body, mind, and soul is a golden, stardust temple. A garden of beautiful bounty. Loved, tended to, cared for with the utmost commitment to me.

I don't have parents. They don't reflect the nurturing parental archetypes that my soul used to yearn for.

Years of yearning have led me to find that I can parent myself very well. I must. I trust that things worked out this way for a reason. 

 

In this season of my life, I speak to myself in the gentlest of tones, never prodding, but encouraging, congratulating, loving, not judging - or well, I do my best with this.

I always have a safe bed to sleep in be it sleeping bag in tent, down filled blankets on queen sized bed, or a lovers love soaked sheets.

And my lovers are chosen wisely. And I am often celibate and when that happens I take the time to reflect and enjoy myself. Because partners are 

mirrors for my personal growth -to grow, to come to know that I am complete on my own.

Someday, I might choose to co-create with another soul.

Meeting, feeding the natural human desire to create, to raise children-chosen, I will be by their angelic souls guided by wisdom far greater than my current awareness. 

 

I will give to them – choices finely tuned not to what I did not receive but to their soul needs.

I don't have parents, but I have myself, golden temple, beautiful shining light being, love seeing, me as every part of me, and I have teachers chosen to create me, to give me what my soul specifically needs to realize it self as whole.